Pimp My Eyes: getting tricked out with some sick rims

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Hands down, glasses are the ultimate accessory. Not only do they make you look about 10 IQ points smarter (and in my case, avoid the awful squinty panic of spotting a friend 20m down the road, doing the smiley ‘Omg, hey!’ and then realising you’re going in to hug a complete stranger who freaks out and beats you with their knapsack…) but they create an aura of mystery. I think this is probably because frames these days are so heavy that they obscure most of your face. Sort of the hipster equivalent of the netted hat veil.

A few months ago I decided that new glasses were my ticket to cultivating a bookish air and avoiding the need for mascara (or eyebrow-shaping, depending on where the rims sat). Target: BIG frames.

I went in to a bunch of stores but ultimately ended up ordering my men’s Tom Fords online because the salespeople I encountered kept trying to steer me towards ladies specs.

A typical exchange:

Chipper OPSM lady: We’ve got some lovely wire-rimmed models over here. And you can’t go past our Rhinestone Range!

Me: Oh…no thanks. I’m after something horn-rimmed. You know, like Lake Bell in ‘No Strings Attached’ or a cartoon bookworm would wear? Might meander over here (gesturing broadly to the Tom Ford and Oliver Peoples racks).

COL: Well those are actually men’s glasses. Can I suggest these cute retro frames?

Me: Uh…thanks…but I’m not a fan of the cat-eye. And honestly, I want something oversized to make my face look dainty. My general rule of thumb when shopping is go up 2 clothing sizes to look skinnier, maximize hat diameter to make my hips look smaller, only carry purses that I could crunch up into. I’ve actually got this theory that sans bags MK & Ashley are probably normal human size…

Now Remarkably Less COL: (Baffled look)

Me: It’s just that all these ladies’ ones make me look like kinda moon-faced. Like a mole person.

The salesperson would get more and more insistent/confused/offended, and I’d eventually scuttle out. Thank god visiondirect.com is less judgemental!

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