Flirting Fails

9Oct2014

Ah, Noughth Week. As my academic advisor (a cardigan-clad, stocking-footed woman with a surprisingly saucy sensibility) said to me the other day, “It’s mating season for the deer and students alike!”

New faces + surreal environment + events every night = most people trying to get some.

I’m awful at flirting. I have like 3 stunted eyelashes that mascara won’t deign to cling to so I’ve never been able to do the coquettish eye bat. And I’m tall – not tall enough to be statuesque, or thin enough to be willowy – but with long enough limbs to not really know how to hold myself (think ossified Gumby). Also, I’m just generally socially awkward. Watching me try to flirt is like watching a bear stumbling about with its paw caught in a honeypot and a swarm of angry bees attacking its face.

Point being, I would never judge someone for being a Bad Flirt. And I really try not to judge people for lacking social competence. But I also strongly feel that there is a BASIC SOCIAL CODE that just needs to be adhered to. Here are my suggestions (based on very real encounters this week):

1. Don’t talk about my looks

I personally don’t think you should comment on someone’s appearance til you’ve known them a few weeks. You’re supposed to pretend you don’t notice the superficial. If you laugh at my jokes and tell me I’m funny/interesting/weird-but-not-in-a-terrible-way I will blush like a schoolgirl and love you forever. If you tell me I look like I work out I will vomit on your face.

2. Don’t make it all about you

Trolling out lines that have nothing to do with the flirtee is the worst (“Have you been stalking me? What’s your favourite accent…besides mine? Why’d you pick this college…besides knowing I’d be here?”) Ugh. You’re only a short stop from Rajan territory and that ain’t pretty.

3. Walk the talk, but don’t stalk

If I bail on an event because I’m sick (and explicitly say I’m going to go home, eat a clementine, have some drugs and hit the hay) don’t text me at 10.30pm asking if I want you to come over. When I send back a curt ‘No’, don’t reply with, ‘Are you sure? I’m right on your street.’ The next day, don’t try to cover yourself by saying, ‘Don’t worry, I wasn’t actually standing outside your house in the -4 degree cold staring up at your window trying to see if your light was on and looking for a pebble to throw at it…I was just passing by.’ Now I have to eat a Christmas food drive’s worth of Campbell’s soup to have enough alarm cans to stack inside my window.

4. Never draw a map of Australia on my torso and ask me to point out where Sydney is.

3 thoughts on “Flirting Fails

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