The lovely and hilarious lasses over at ManRepeller have started a weekly Writer’s Club, calling for 500 word submissions from their readers. I thought I’d start sharing my MRWC responses.
This week the topic was “Tell us the tale of your weirdo fan fiction”. Naturally, I inserted myself into the wonderful world of The Mindy Project…
The (Late) Breakfast Club
I enter the offices of Schulman & Associates. I’m not there because I’ve got a bun in the oven or a yeast infection. No, the bakery issue at hand is Mindy and my standing late-breakfast date. Every Tuesday we go out for coffee-flavoured cake and a cake-flavoured coffee (I already know I’m going to order a Mississippi Mudpie mocha).
While I wait for Min, I get to see Danny getting all riled up over another of Morgan’s hare-brained schemes (classic!)
Morgan: Dr Castellano, even though this is the most awesome job in the world, I’m thinking of branching out a bit, bizness-wise. My grandma Tookers told me I need to start dressing like a winner, so I need to start bringing in the cash. Velveteen suits aren’t cheap, you know.
Danny: Entrepreneurship. Yup. I like that, Morgan.
Morgan (bashful): Yeah, it’s prolly going to be a little home motel business. I put out some pot-pourri, couples stay a night in my guest room, I do them some eggy-scramble and pikelets in the morning…
Danny: Oh, so a B’n’B?
Morgan: What? No, it’s just travelling-folk staying overnight and being fed in the morning.
Danny: Yeah, Morgan, they already have that. It’s called a B’n’B.
Morgan: I’m thinking of calling it a ‘Rest and Breakfast’. Yeah, R’n’B has a good ring to it. Might trademark it.
Danny (het up): It already has a name!!
Morgan (oblivious): Dr C, Question – if I want to make almond milk, can I do that using the office breast pump?
Mindy emerges in her usual glory.
Mindy: Oh my god, Elodie, you look amazing! (I really do… I’m wearing a MiuMiu tea dress and dripping in Charlotte Olympia accessories)
Elodie: Mindy! Argh it’s so good to see you. I know we’ve got that whole twins-separated-at-birth thing going on but sometimes it’s nice to communicate non-telepathically!
Betsy: You guys, you could just stay here and hang out. I brought in some leftover apple cake from my Anne of Green Gables viewing party…
Mind and I are confused. What’s leftover cake?
We’re at a cool hipster café called like Deer & Fetch or Elk & Grumble or something. Because we’re so close, talk naturally turns to relationships:
Elodie: Min, I’ve been craving your advice. The guy I’m dating is a bit holier-than-thou. Ugh, he’s mentioned like 3 times that he’s a blood donor. I’m worried that if he goes on the plasma donation list he’s going to be insufferable!
Mindy: Oh man, I hate those virtuous types. Like, yes, save orphans and kittens, but do it in the stealth of night, like Tobey Maguire. Danny’s pretty good at not being braggy. Though he does exercise on purpose and talk about it.
Elodie: That is weird. But not as bad as the dental nurse who insisted on inspecting your mouth for cavities all the time…
Mindy: Or the guy who asked you ‘What’s the plan?’ ALL the time. And would ask you where the bathroom was when you went to restaurants which neither of you had been to!
After a few hours of trading dating horror stories, we agree that relationships are basically just countdowns to the Dealbreaker. But I reassure Mindy that with Danny, it’s the real deal. She’s so lucky because the Dealbreaker will be one of them dying.
The rest of the day is similarly perfect. We shop for urban tulle and artisanal olives, go to an awesome spa and have tiny fish nibble at our feet, then go to Nobu and nibble on tiny fish with our best gal pals (Leslie Knope, Liz Lemon and Winona Dimeo-Ediger). In the evening, we head back to my loft to watch Grease and fantasise about young hot John Travolta. We fall asleep waffle-handing.