After a week of dispiriting, haiku-inspiring coat browsing, I bought this No-Nonsense number on the recommendation of Deena the Debenhams saleslady. I was a bit apprehensive about taking fashion advice from her (her eyelids were patinated with pink and yellow glitter like exotic metal butterflies, and her ample bosom was exploding out of the most alarming leopard-print dress I’d ever seen…) but you can’t really go wrong with plain black wool, right?
My rule of thumb for buying a Classic Coat: would Meg Ryan have been able to wear it in Kate & Leopold? If it would work in both modern day New York and 1876 (and isn’t so ugly that it would repel Hugh Jackman), it’s a keeper.
Deena’s advice for avoiding coat theft (she was super sympathetic to my plight): buy a thin bike lock to chain up your coat at parties. If your friends are particularly sticky-fingered, set live mousetraps in the pockets. Good one Deena!
Today I’m racing in the Nephthys Regatta. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but a few things could go wrong:
- We could catch crabs*
- We could be ridiculed for our ensemble. Seriously, these leggings look like pop-art elfin pyjamas, or something from a Jeremy Scott for Moschino show. There’s such a thing as ‘gilding the lily’. There’s also apparently ‘garishly stylising the lily and plastering it on butt, thighs and hammies with obnoxious abandon’. Oh Magdalen.
- Mutiny! There hasn’t been one since 1987 so I’d say the time is ripe for some crew conspiracy.
- My teammates could get sick of me cracking jokes about catching crabs (“You know it’s pretty painful and will definitely put you out of action…”)
So many legal articles! But I tend not to read the footnotes, which often reduces the volume of reading I have to do from phonebook to Fantale wrapper.
(Seems like a few scholars may have missed Footnoting 101)
*’A rowing error where the rower is unable to timely remove or release the oar blade from the water and the oar blade acts as a brake on the boat until it is removed from the water…A severe crab can eject a rower out of the shell or make the boat capsize.’ On the spectrum of ‘catching crabs’ this is definitely worse than trapping a Blue Swimmer to make gumbo.