So much is written about the value vs uselessness of New Year’s Resolutions, with advice for successful resolving boiling down to ‘be specific’ and ‘be realistic’. For me, any fitness-based resolution is probably doomed to failure. As is a punctuality one (though this post is only like 8 days overdue). Here are my 15 specific and hopefully achievable goals for the next 357 days:
1. Stop saying ‘I feel’ when I mean ‘I think’
2. Figure out when my laptop is supposed to be plugged in vs draining to maximise battery life
3. Learn all the flags of the world so that I can finally make a valuable contribution to trivia. Think of better trivia names than the generic ‘Trivia Newton John’ and ‘John Triviolta’.
4. Stop verbal hashtagging and ‘insert here’-ing (I’m wont to overuse the phrase ‘Insert sheepish face here’ which I know is vom-worthy)
5. Replace intellectual cowedness with intellectual curiosity
6. Find a better (less transparent) euphemism for describing obnoxious friends of friends than ‘They’re good value’. Or just become a better white liar.
7. Learn to appreciate Seinfeld (3rd time’s the charm, right?)
8. Let down my emotional portcullis.
9. Stop using wanky phrases like ’emotional portcullis’. Also, ‘Human Pusheen’, ‘thigh biscuits’, ‘nature’s nappy’ and ‘takeaway message’ have to go.
10. Wean myself off almonds. I tend to inhale kilos at a time and then look up dubious scientific articles with titles like Not All Calories Are Created Equal to ameliorate my ill-feeling. Which is a far cry from Mireille Guiliano’s suggestion that you can eat 1 or 2 (maybe 3) nuts at a time to stave off starvation. Become French ie. better at life.
11. Learn the difference between AFL and NRL. Well, maybe.
12. Stop humble-bragging about being an early riser. I realise that it’s as annoying as night owl smugness (no-one cares that you don’t get to sleep til 3am).
13. Learn to freestyle rap.
14. Learn to put in my contacts without having to use a mirror (and have my mouth gawp open and tongue stick out in pained concentration). This is my equivalent to Molly Ringwald’s lipstick trick in The Breakfast Club.
15. Expand my range of cultural reference beyond 80s rom coms and Lifestyle shows.