Whistles crepe top
You know how fashion magazines always tell you to “highlight your assets”? Like, if you love your legs, wear a belt-skirt and 6-inch heels; if you love your boobs, wear a push-up bra and pop a few buttons; if you love your clavicles, wear a Flashdance sweater and LED earrings shaped like downward-pointing arrows? Well, I’m most enamoured of the 2 inches of skin directly above my navel (the faux abs) so this top is perfect for me. Apparently it’s a “great alternative to shirting”* which is good as I’m tired of being mistaken for a cater waiter or pharmaceutical rep at business-casual functions.
French Connection dress
On rare occasions I try to branch out and buy clothes that aren’t greyscale. Most of the time this fails miserably. Seeing it online, I thought this dress would be perfect for upcoming black tie events. It looks amazing, right? Very ‘Ice Princess rips off Marchesa’. And when you read ‘heavily embellished’ and ‘encrusted lace’ you can’t help but think decadence (is it just me or are all the best things ‘encrusted’? Jewellery encrusted with gems, cupcakes encrusted with nonpareils, salmon encrusted with parmesan and panko crumbs…). But this dress in the flesh was just awful. The base was blindingly shiny satin, the lace very polyester bridal, and the beads more a smattering than a crust. It honestly looked like something that Miss World Barbados 1989 or Elsa from Frozen would wear in a slutty stage.
Jack Wills jeans
I know, I know, I need to get over Jack Wills. But there are only like 5 clothing stores in Oxford that don’t have bespoke tailoring and names like Bainbridge & Figgypudding. Choices are limited, ok?
I hate buying jeans. In terms of emotional distress I’d pin it somewhere between finding out that your father has a whole other family which he’s been hiding in the township over, and having the love of your life freeze to death and slip down, down, down into the icy waters of the Atlantic as you cling to a door after your cruise liner hits an iceberg. Probably even Alexa Chung, twig leg extraordinaire, feel fat and helpless when she goes denim shopping. I tried these on on a whim, and was pleasantly (nay, ecstatically!) surprised. Super stretchy, affordable, jeans rather than jeggings, don’t give me a Spongebob Squarepants bum or act as tourniquet on my calves. And they came with great fabric care advice – ‘keep away from fire’. This was handy because my alternative to wearing them on my legs was to use them as fireplace bunting.
* According to Urban Dictionary, the act of taking your shirt and putting it over someone’s face: guy puts his shirt over friends face, “you got shirted!” friend: “damn, shirting sucks azz” [sic]